Resident Evil: The High School of Satire
by AngryBandit59
Summary: (A multi-chapter satire of RE high school fics) Follow the misadventures of hall monitor Leon Kennedy and steroid reliant athlete Chris Redfield!
1. Chapter 1

**This will be a multi-chapter, high school crack-fic, but I have like, fifty other unfinished stories, so I'm not going to update regularly. **

* * *

Leon walked down the halls and sighed. Being a hall monitor had it's perks, but it was a boring job.

"Leon!" he heard a familiar female voice behind him. He turned and saw her.

It was his girlfriend, Ada Wong. "Hey, Ada." said Leon, pulling her in for a kiss.

"Is our date still on?" asked Ada, rubbing circles on his chest with her finger.

"Yep." he said, kissing her again.

Little did the young couple know, someone in a white suit was watching them, filled with jealousy and anger. "Mr. Kennedy, Mrs. Wong, need I remind you public affection is forbidden on school grounds?"

It was none other than the vice-Principle, Simmons.

"Sorry, Mr. Simmons, it wont happen again." said Leon.

Ada and her boyfriend walked off, Simmons carefully watched them leave. You see, Simmons is a dirty pedo and has had a crush on both students and wanted to have a threesome with them in an inflatable swimming pool filled to the brim with cold gravy since the 3rd grade.

School Administrator Spencer knew of this hidden lust, but he didn't do a goddamn thing, since he is old and Simmons provides him narcotics.

* * *

After Chris and Piers finished showering after practice and heterosexually slapping each others asses, when they went behind the gym to buy some drugs from the merchant, a creepy pedo who sold teenagers drugs.

"'Ello strangers!"

Chris raised an eyebrow, "'strangers?' we've been buying drugs from you for 3 years!"

"Shut the hell up and buy some damn drugs!" yelled Merchant, ripping open his jacket, exposing illegal drugs, pirated clopper hentai, gas station burritos, his junk, and deflatable beach balls.

"How about we get some coke, Chris?" suggested Piers. Chris punched Piers in the face. "Shut the hell up, you god damn whore!"

Chris turned to the Merchant, "Dontcha have any 'roids?"

Merchant shook his head, "Sorry, stranger."

Chris screamed in rage. How was he supposed to get swollen if he didn't have his roids?


	2. Chapter 2

Chris stomped through the halls, very upset. The big game was this Friday, and no matter how hard he had searched, pleaded, or how many ribs he had stomped in, he simply couldn't meet back up with his old uncle Roy.

"Is there a problem, Chris?" asked someone that apparently had terminal throat cancer from behind him.

The roided out teen turned to see his principal, Wesker, standing there, sunglasses deflecting light from the windows.

"WESKER!" Chris shouted at the top of his lungs, spittle flying out and hitting the Johnny Bravo look-alike in the face.

With a disgusted grunt, Wesker wiped the spittle from his face.

"Chris, what the hell is your problem?" asked Wesker.

The veins on Chris's forehead popped up as he entered a rage mode, "CAUSE I CAN'T FIND ANY GODDAMN STERIODS!"

Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Well Chris, I can't help you there."

Chris stared at Wesker as if he were a giant turkey leg, "But if I don't get any roids by Friday, I won't be able to play in the big game."

Wesker rubbed his chin. Chris was Raccoon High's best player, and sports were the only thing that kept Racoon High afloat. The school had a pitiful grade point average, so money they made from sporting events were the only thing that funded anything around the dump. Wesker had always wondered if the poor grades had anything to do with that one time back in the 90's when he let a chemical company dump the by-products from an experimental glue into the school's water system so they didn't have to pay for proper disposal. Hell if he knew. Any smart person wouldn't consume water from this dumpster masquerading as a school anyhow.

So, after careful thought, Wesker decided to aid Chris on his journey.

"Alright, Chris. I'll help you find some steroids. First, let's go see if that asshole Birkins can make us some."

* * *

aLeon sat at the lunch table, poking at what those mythical, disgusting creatures known as 'lunch lady's' were trying to pass off as spaghetti.

"'Eh, Leon! Hows it going buddy?" asked Leon's friend, Luis, sitting down next to the hall monitor.

Leon was never sure whether or not Luis was Latino or Eurotrash, but he didn't really care.

"Hey, Luis."

Luis took a juice pouch out of his Captain Planet themed lunch box and took a few sips before noticing his friend's depressed atmosphere.

"Something the matter?"

Leon noticed the spaghetti was becoming angered as he poked it, so he quickly dispatched it with a quick jab and answered his friend, "Well, I was on a date with Ada last night, right? Then Simmons comes out of nowhere and claims to be our waiter! He denies ever knowing me or Ada, and just stares at us from across the room the whole time! It was so creepy, Ada didn't even wanna have sex! I mean, for what other reason would a man buy a woman a steak dinner without expecting to get some action afterwords?"

Luis stroked his thin goatee, "Well Leon, I'd say that Simmons wants to have a threesome with you and Ada."

Leon took a bite out of the fallen spaghetti creature and looked quizzically at his friend, "What makes you say that?"

Luis took out his smart phone, handing it to Leon, "I follow Simmons on Tumblr."

Leon looked through Simmons's archives, where he shamelessly admitted to many disturbing sexual fantasy's about him, Ada, and swimming pool's filled with gravy.

Leon sighed and handed back the phone, "I'm gonna have to take to Ada about this..." said Leon as he began stabbing at the living spaghetti's offspring.


End file.
